Against Hieroglyph Tattoos

Are you thinking of getting a hieroglyph tattoo? Maybe an eye of Horus, or an ankh, or your name in a cartouche? Don't. It's disrespectful towards a great culture and all that, but also, because Egyptian scribes were jerks, your name in a cartouche may end up saying “the wearer frequently performs unnatural acts with ducks”.

Because...

1. The ancient Egyptians actually had an alphabet. Did you know that? I had no idea. Some of the hieroglyphs stand for a single consonant, resulting in a very usable and friendly alphabet. Which the scribes did not use – or rather, did not always use.

And I have a theory why, a very scientific and well-researched theory, not at all made up while writing this: the scribes had a good life, not plowing, not going to war, not washing their own dirty clothes, just writing, so they tried to keep it for themselves, and made writing as complicated as possible. Don't take my word for it, go read the Miscellanea, the texts used for training new scribes. They say “we have a good life, we do not plow, we do not go to war, we do not do our own laundry, so let's keep it a secret by making writing as confusing as possible” (more or less).

... and remember, children, you can always spell Son of Horus backwards as Son of the mailman. Just keep a straight face while pretending to write from dictation.

2. You know what's the hieroglyph for road? Why, this:

Seriously, does that look like a road to you? No wonder they weren't very keen on using wheeled vehicles. And what are those, speed bumps? (Upon further research, they're shrub/papyrus flowers. Still doesn't make sense.)

3. At least the hieroglyphs for man and woman are fairly intuitive.

Men had arms, women did not. But, don't worry, women gained arms while giving birth:

Gardiner's classification lists 56 hieroglyphs under “Man and his occupations” and only 7 under “Woman and her occupations”, including this little “queen holding a flower”, which has got to be the saddest thing I've seen all week:

I was about to add misogyny on the list of why scribes were jerks, but, in all due honesty, the hieroglyphs about men and their occupations can be broadly divided into man sitting down and man running around like an idiot waving a stick. Oh, and man holding two giraffes – undoubtedly, a very popular occupation in ancient Egypt.

4. Gardiner has cataloged no less than 54 hieroglyphs depicting birds. 54 birds. Before you can even think about spelling your own name, you need to identify 54 birds, including a lapwing and a hoopoe (and none of them stands for performing unnatural acts with a duck – or at least I haven't found that one yet).

- OMG, look at that handwriting!
- No way, you can't even tell a black ibis from a crested ibis.
- How did he even pass first grade? 

5. Hieroglyphs were written right to left. Or left to write. Or upwards, or downwards. Sometimes in the same text. They used a mixture of alphabetic signs, logographs (representing morphemes), and ideographs (pretty pictures of the object depicted). Sometimes in the same word. Because, hey, let's twist Monsieur Champollion's head around and see how fast it spins.

6. And speaking of Monsieur Champollion, don't assume your tattoo is safe because hieroglyphs have been fully deciphered. One Ptolemaic jerk's idea of a pun was a text written almost entirely with crocodiles. That is just one of the many not deciphered yet. I've decided it refers to some very brave unnatural acts with crocodiles, but I may be wrong.

7. A papyrus from a collection called the Theban Magical Library (which may or may not come from Thebes, may or may not be related to magic, and may or may not have come from a library) is written in a mixture of no less than seven (yes, seven) writing systems (Hieratic, Demotic, alphabetic Demotic, Greek, Cipher, old Coptic, and Charakteres – just in case you don't trust me, count them, seven). There, that's proof for you, right there – they were trying to make things complicated at all costs, for the sole reason of being jerks.

So go get a tattoo of a cat, like everybody else. Not an Egyptian cat, just a regular cat. Oh, and here are the hieroglyphs for urination and defecation. You're welcome.

Ancient Pets

Ancients kept pets, just like we do, though perhaps the line between working animals and pets wasn't always as clear as it is today. For the best documented civilizations, such as Egypt, Greece and Rome – we have quite a bit of info about the ancient pets – especially those of the rich and famous.

Pets in Ancient Egypt

Ancient Egypt is the best source of research, though we're still far from fully understanding how many of the mummified animals found were pets and how many were ceremonial offerings for the gods. It's probably safe to assume that animals buried alone or with their owner, who were treated with special attention, were kept as pets when they lived.

Bronze statue of cat and kitten, from Ancient Egypt. Image source here.

Based on the paintings found on walls in tombs and temples, cats seem to be the most popular pets in Egypt – which is rather weird, as dogs were domesticated thousands of years before. Cats are often painted as standing next to the owner's feet or under the chair, a clear indication that they were kept as pets and not just for the obvious purpose of catching rodents.

The Egyptian goddess Bastet had the head of a domestic cat and the body of a woman. She was a benevolent deity, protector of children, mothers and, well, cats, and many cities organized yearly festivals in her honor.

Numerous cat statues and figurines were recovered by archaeologists, as well all sorts of other items depicting cats – amulets, earrings, pendants and so on. It seems at some point the ancient Egyptians introduced the death penalty for anybody who killed a cat.

Mummified cat from Ancient Egypt. Image source here. 

Dogs were also extremely common in Ancient Egypt, but it seems they were used mostly for hunting and guarding, rather than kept as pets. Anubis, by the way, does not have a dog-head, but a jackal-head. However, part of a cemetery in Abydos was reserved for dogs, and there are also many inscriptions that indicate the names of the dogs, such as The Brave, The Trustworthy or even Blackie.

Trying to trace the origins of our contemporary pets, archaeologists concluded that ancient Egyptians had at least one breed of dogs that was very similar to the modern greyhound.

Paintings also indicate the monkeys were relatively common pets, though it's difficult to say for how long they could survive in captivity. Pliny the Elder mentions that, during the Ptolemaic dynasty, the baboons kept in Egyptian palaces could play dice and even understand written words.

There's also evidence that Egyptians kept various birds as pets, and even gazelles.


Pets in Ancient Greece

Ancient Greeks, unlike Egyptians, were not at all fond of cats. Dogs and birds were the most common pets, with an occasional mouse and goat here and there.

In the 5th century BC, Athenian statesman Alcibiades is reported to have purchased a wonderful dog for the price of 7,000 drachmas. By comparison, a regular worker could expect to receive 1 drachma in return for a full day's work.

Socrates and Alcibiades. Painting dates from 1861, but the dog is probably accurate.

 Image source here. 

Stories of faithful dogs abound in Greek tales. We all know how Odysseus' dog waited to see his master return home before passing its last breath (which, by the way, means the dog was at least 20 years old when passing away). There's also a story about Xantipus, Pericles' father, who once left Athens to go to the island of Salamis, almost 2 km away, but forgot to take his trusted dog with him. The desperate animal jumped into the water and swam the entire distance, following his master's boat.

A breathtaking mosaic of a parrot, from Pergamon. 

On display in the Pergamon Museum in Berlin

Pets in Ancient Rome

Like Greeks, Romans favored birds and dogs as pets, and ignored cats, though it is said that Spartacus chose cats as a symbol of his rebellion, since they were associated with the goddess of freedom, Libertas, for their independent spirit.

Same as Egyptians, Romans had various breeds of dogs, including the one that resembled today's greyhound. Another popular breed was called Molossus, a huge animal, probably the ancestor of the modern mastiff, used for guarding, and probably for dog fights. Same as today, smaller breeds were mostly kept for company, especially by ladies.

Similar to the Greek literature, there are many stories of faithful dogs. In 28 AD, a dog jumped into the river Tiber to rescue his master, senator Sabinus, who had been pushed in the river by an angry mob. Unfortunately, his master was already dead before the body was thrown away. It's also said that the soldiers who killed Emperor Galba had to kill his dog too, as it wouldn't leave his master's side for anything in the world.

And speaking of faithful animals, ancient Romans had their version of Flipper. During the time of Emperor Augustus, a boy named Hyacinthus, who lived in Baiae, found a wounded dolphin and nursed it back to health. The dolphin would then return everyday, and accompany the boy on his way to school. The boy, however, caught a cold and died. The dolphin waited for him for many more days, until he died too, of grief and sorrow, according to Pliny.

Cave canem - Beware the dog - a popular inscription outside Roman homes. 

Image source here. 

Horses were rarely kept as pets (Caligula's favorite, Incitatus, was still a racing horse, albeit a luxury one, as I've pointed out in the post about Ancient Horses). Emperor Trajan, however, received a pet horse, which was useless for anything except bow down and make pretty pirouettes.

Ancient Romans were especially fond of birds that could be taught to speak. Siblings Britannicus and Nero (who went on to become the famous mad emperor) had several nightingales and starlings who could speak Latin as well as Greek. Pliny claims to have seen these precursors of Google Translate with his own eyes.

Augustus launched the fashion of parakeets and ravens who could speak, and used to pay large amounts for such birds. A poor Roman citizen managed to get his hands on a raven, and tried to teach the bird a few words, hoping the emperor would reward him handsomely. However, the bird was stubborn, and the man kept saying to it “Oh, you're such a waste of time and money!”. Eventually, the bird managed to learn to utter “Ave, Caesar”, or something similar, and was brought before Augustus, only to hear the emperor say that he had enough of such birds already and was not interested in purchasing more. At that point, the bird showed that education always pays off, and said to the emperor “Oh, you're such a waste of time and money!”. Augustus had enough sense of humor to purchase the bird on the spot.



There's also a story about a man who paid an amount that would've fetched a vineyard with slaves and wine-making devices in place for just one white nightingale, which he presented as a gift to Caligula's sister, Agrippina.

Fish make unlikely pets, but the Romans were weird. Of course, fish ponds were generally created and maintained to insure a steady supply of fish for the owner's meals, and were immensely expensive. A certain Publius Vedius Pollio, however, friend of Emperor Augustus and famous for his wealth and cruelty towards his slaves, managed to keep moray eels as pets. Some of the older and bigger specimens were fitted with jewelry and gems, and they were fed with human slaves who had misbehaved, in their master's opinion. It has been reported that one of the moray eels in his ponds lived to reach the venerable age of 60. Probably none of his slaves managed that.